Feanixfire.com

29th June 2010

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For those who wanted the details

In less than a week it will be a 10 year anniversary of a car accident I was involved in. During this time, my mood changes and I tend to withdrawal into myself. I mean no disrespect to anyone and I do not mean it personal. I need this time to deal and though it has been 10 years, I have yet to fully heal. It has gotten slightly easier but still my burden to bear.

I was 18 just out of High School and freshly back from Church Camp. I was a youth leader at my church and one of my best friends Adrian, her sister Andrea, and I were driving home from Youth Group on a Wednesday evening. I still had curfew set by my parents because I was driving my Dad’ truck while I waited for my Camero to be restored.

It was a typical evening at the church and we left in a great mood and was rocking out to POD. They were hungry and so was I. I wanted Taco Bell and the girls wanted Subway so we went to both.

We all piled back in the truck once we got Subway and now it was off to drop them off and then head home to be in time for my curfew. One problem, the truck wouldn’t start. It was a semi new truck, it had gas, no issues prior, it just would not start. I started to panic because I would be late. I happened to look over at the air bag control that has to be turned on with a key and noticed that it was off. I looked at it and then I looked at Adrian and said “I hold your fate, do you live or die” as I turned the airbag for her on and then off. “I love you man, I want you to live” and I turned it on.

Miraculously, the truck started. With no issue. I looked at the girls and shrugged my shoulders. I asked the quickest route back to their house and proceeded on my path. I was driving down the road and Adrian bent down to grab something from the floor, I looked and looked back at the road. In less than a second I noticed a car turn right in front of me. I screamed, hit the brakes, and turned the wheel. I heard a loud bang and then everything went white.

It all happened so fast. The next thing I remember is seeing my Bible on the road, and a blonde girl was holding my shoulders telling me not to go over to the cars. I was sitting in the grass. The more I came to the more I realized what was going on. I started screaming for Adrian and she came to me in tears, she was ok. Andria was ok. I tried to hug them but I couldn’t feel my hands, I looked down and my left wrist was swollen larger than my hand and my right arm was burnt from the air bag.

I tried to call my parents and they didn’t answer and my youth pastor arrived. Adrian’s mother arrived and nobody would let me go to the cars. I just wanted to check on the people in the car.

Police and Rescue arrived and shut down the busy road and news crews were all over. I was asked to do a field sobriety test and the officer seemed shaken. I passed all the tests and they took me to the ambulance to check my hands and arms. The only issue was that I gripped the wheel and the airbag burned me. I hit my head but it was just a bump. Adrian and Andria were fine, had I not turned on the air bag, Adrian would have been killed because she was bent over.

My parents arrived and ran to me and we all gathered in the grass and I kept asking about the people in the car. I was still fuzzy but I remember my dad hitting one of the cops. I didn’t know why.

I looked over and noticed a man standing by the ambulance covered in blood. He was just looking at me with a blank expression. My mother grabbed my face and made me look at her. I will never forget the words “Baby, I love you but I have to tell you this, the passenger in the other car didn’t make it” I do not remember much after that.

I vaguely remember sitting in the hospital and they tried to give me medicine for the pain and I refused. I was given vicodin and I took one because my mother made me but I dumped the rest. I didn’t deserve to have relief.

I didn’t get out of bed for days apparently and I didn’t talk. I do not remember much, as I stated, but I remember feeling numb. When I finally got up I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I was swollen and pale. I was too scared to get in a car and my parents were trying everything to get me out and about.

I had to go to court and the judge brought me to her chambers and explained that I was not at fault and that nothing I could have done would have prevented it. I didn’t know how to respond. I just looked at her.  She said the officer that responded talked to her about everything and that I needed to understand that I am not to blame. Easier said than done.

Weeks passed and I started to come around and asked questions. I tried to fill gaps with what I could get from people. I asked my mom what she remembered and she told me that dad punched one of the cops because Andria asked about the people in the car and as harsh as possible the guy said “no, they are not ok, one is dead” and so my dad hit him.

The officer that went to court was standing there as well and did nothing; the guy was out of line I guess. She said that when she told me that I collapsed and started screaming “Please God take me instead, take me, they deserve to live” and  the officer from court got emotional and had to walk away.

I asked about the passenger and I have yet to get conformation on who it was, if it was man or woman or child. My gut tells me it was a woman. They were from out of the country.

To this day, I struggle with it. I have been told by countless people that it is not my fault. I cant accept it. I have tried but I still feel the guilt. Nothing I could have done would have prevented it but I still feel responsible. I even have had some get angry with me and tell me to “just let it go”. As if they knew what I was feeling.

For the longest time I would not even stay in Jax during the anniversary. One of my ex boyfriends begged me to stay once because he would be there for me..then he never showed…that’s happened twice….but this year, I am going to try to stay here. It will be very hard for me to do but I will make it.

This writing is not to gather pity; it is not to gain praise. Talking about it is hard for me but it needs to be done. To heal. Maybe this is a first step to coming to peace with it. This is to provide a little glimpse into a tragic situation that I hope none of you have to endure. But, if you do please know that there is someone out here that knows the pain and torment you are going through. I am just a contact away.

Thank you for reading this. I hope I have not downed your day.