Feanixfire.com

9th March 2010

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I will win this….just wait and see

I thought there was nothing worse than wanting something so bad and being denied. Not selfishly wanting something, but wanting something to share love and life with. Since I was little I was the “motherly one” the one that took the younger ones under my wings and took care of them. I was always said that I was a mother before i was even a child. I have come to terms with the fact that I can not have the one thing I dream of. Yes, it hurts. Yes I have explored options, yes, there is always adoption. It is pretty hard to adopt in Florida, many many rolls of red tape. The medical way is just too expensive.

I battled through all the options, the good, the bad, and all that surrounds. I have gone through losing 2 pregnancies and I came out stronger. I do not know why I cant…maybe one day my body will not attack and I can. Who knows. I will never give up hope.

With that said, I am a tad more sensitive when it comes to children or babies. I am like a protective lioness even to other cubs. I get so furious when I see children hurt, murdered, molested. I have stopped watching the news because this is running rampant lately. It sickens me and I just want to double tap the backs of their heads. But I refrain. I cant save everyone.

Then today, I get an email from my Ex husbands mother telling me about how he just had a baby. I lost my mind! Why she felt the need to tell me I will never know. But I personally think it is a stab at me. She knows the situation. She knows he was not very supportive, she knows i had to bare the financial burden on my own…so why the hell would she contact me to tell me?? To piss me off??

Well it worked! I have never been so furious in my life! I literally wanted to leave work, go to hers, and hit her with a car. I don’t think I am that violent of a person, I rarely inflict harm on anyone because, well…sometimes its just not worth it. Though some people DO need a good ass beating like you would see on film…but these days that follows with an arrest and a record. I don’t need that added stress.

So I sit here and I swallow my anger, i shush my rage and I smile. I smile because I know what is going to happen…he is going to run to mommy and have her take care of it all like he always did. I will still live my life and move forward and maybe one day have a chance to be a mother and give my baby an amazing life. He will be struggling. Karma has a way of sorting these things out.