My ex-husband and his girlfriend are about to have a baby. Now one would think “meh, your just jealous” right? Well I suppose in a sense, I am. I have no residual feeling for him nor do I have a desire to be with him. MY jealousy stems from the fact that when I was with child and then I lost the baby, he did not seem to care. He left me to deal with the pain on my own and the financial burden as well. Until the end when his mother pitched in some of the cost. Now he is happy and about to have a son. Yes I am hurt by that. My child would have been 5 this year. I find myself wondering what life would be like had he or she survived. I have always had the motherly instinct and come to find out…I can not be a mother. I can get pregnant but my body attacks the fetus like it is a disease. It is heartbreaking to find that out.
Why am i doting about this now? Well, I was cleaning out a box I had yet to unpack and found the “Happy Mothers Day” mug my mom got me. She still gets me stuff and wishes me a happy mothers day because she says I am a mother…I know she means well but every time it rips the wound open again. I love her to death and I know she wants me to have a child and I feel like I have failed because I cant. I am the last one in this generation of my family and I have not had a child. I feel such a burden on my shoulders. I know it is not what they intend but god damn, PLEASE understand!
I have not written in a while because my writings are pure and honest and I am told I am being over emotional…so how SHOULD I deal with it?? Shove a drug in my vein?? no thank you…Writing is my outlet and for those of you who cant handle it…well…don’t read it! I do not want to keep things in my mind to fester and eventually drive me to a place I never want to go again.
I think I have been strong considering the bullshit I have endured in the past several years, but I have moments where it all floods my brain at one time and I get extremely overwhelmed and I do not know up from down. I feel it trying to attack me recently and I have kept myself busy to prevent it.
I hate to feel like this and I hate to burden others with my thoughts so I do not let them out too often. But keeping them in cant be good either. I am not a sad person, I love life and I love being happy but today I just feel bleh. We all have our days I guess.
I do want to extend a gracious thank you to whoever has read this and gotten this far. I thank you for being a proverbial ear that would listen.
I am also very thankful for my friends both old friends and new kick ass friends. I know this too will pass and I will be fine but at this very second I felt the need to get it out. “Feanix” will once again live up to the name.
Love you all!
