Feanixfire.com

18th January 2010

Post with 1 note

Addictions

Written in ‘08 Felt the need toshare

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Addictions

Addiction is rough, it destroys the person you once were. Whether it is from drugs, alcohol or in my case a mentally abusive relationship, everyone has a vice. It is up to that person to alone to decide when to quit. Everyone can encourage it but in the end you must make the choice to stop. I may not be addicted to heroin or booze but I was addicted to a person that took everything out of me. I was robbed of myself and I look back now and wonder how I got in so deep. It was three years in the making and I was once strong. I would not let anyone hold me down. Then he came along and turned me against myself. He cheated and it was my fault? I was pushed away and pulled in too many times. Each time I said I would never go back, but I did. He was that drug I needed. That high I craved. But it was not him…it was the thought of changing him. By being the one person that could turn the cheater into someone that could not stray. I fought myself many times; I let down many friends and loved ones. I even got to the point of sneaking to see him. Why? Hell, I still don’t know; he treated me ok when he wanted something then would destroy me with one single action. And I was the drama queen for getting upset over it? I sat by him during some bad times and I never gave up. I have now thrown in my towel, for good. So many friends have been trying to pull me out of my hole but I would climb up and fall right back down.

Each time I would get a little further but the fall would be harder. I don’t like this pit, I am getting out. I have recently started listening to a cd that has much about addictions and I was so enthralled by the lyrics that it opened my eyes to how I was. I was that person hiding in the closet with my fix. It is only when I realized that I was the one wasting away and my friends could not save me but only watch me slowly die, when I realized that I must stop. There is no rehab clinic for this, I was not physically abused so I can’t go to a shelter…it was all self induced. Many lyrics are burning in my mind today, but the ones that stick out the most are  “Everything will be okay Everything will be alright If I can get away from her and save my worthless life” These lyrics penetrate my soul. If I can just get away from him….it will all be ok. I see this now. He is not what I need. To be free of him is to be free in myself something that I have been begging for a lot lately. Free from the persecution of guilt for spending time with my real friends.

The ones he said would hurt me. These are the ones that have been standing at the foot of the pit reaching for me. Trying to save me.

There are two in particular that have been there. Two that I love more than anything because they have never let me down. They know who they are. I hope they know how much I care for them. I am doing so much better now and with every day that passes his memory dies. That love I held fades and I open my eyes that much more. I do not regret the choices I made with him. The way I see it…I can’t change the past, but the past will change me. I also came across an inspiring quote made by Nikki Sixx ” The only way to truly be alive is to confront your mortality” So I look at it as ‘do I want to live this way? Do I want to be caught in this fantasy I have created?’ Hell no! I am better than that! I am stronger than that! I felt compelled to write this to get things off my mind, maybe to be free of some thoughts that were attacking me. Who knows how people will interpret it and who cares? I did it to get my thoughts out of my head and on to digital paper. If it helps someone, cool. If it doesn’t, cool. I wrote from my heart and that is all I can give is honesty. I have given up my addiction and I like how things are going. “All of my devils are free at last” God this feels good. Time to truly rise up and live. Look out world Feanix is in flight.