Thoughts Turned to Experience
Quack, nutjob, looney, and psychotic are names given to many people who claim to have encountered an extraterrestrial or had an experience with an unidentified flying object. But before we jump to that conclusion, have we fully thought of the possibility?
Sightings date back to early 1878 when a local farmer told the daily news of a spherical object flying at “at wonderful speed” and dubbed the term “flying saucer”. Since this time many more sightings have been reported and explained mostly as a weather balloon, meteor, satellite, or an atmospheric anomaly. But to their credit, these reporters of their ‘ufo” were indeed correct…as they themselves could not fully identify what it was they had witnessed.
Among the seers lies another darker and more ‘unbelievable’ group of people; the abductees. One of the first recorded accounts brings us to the Hill Abduction of 1961. Betty and Barney claim to have been on a beautiful Niagara Falls vacation when they were enthralled by a bright light in the sky then allegedly ‘taken’ by what they believed were aliens. Many speculations and theories arose from the incident and the case is reviewed to this day for accuracy and to examine any flaws in the story.
But the bright beacon in these stories still remains with the all too famous Area 51 and Roswell “crash” of 1947 where there were, as many theorize, very elaborate government cover ups.
So with all of these incidents throughout the years even up to this very month with the “Solar Sucker” videos emerging, is it safe to say that maybe we should look more in depth at these or merely pass them off as another hoax.
Amongst the witnesses eternally stating that their encounter was the real deal do sit the mischievous group of hoaxers and with the evolutions in film and image editing one can create elaborate stories with fantastic “proof” to back them up. Only to later tell the world that we were just punked.
So back to the ones that truly believe. With the many jumps in technology, the sightings, and the vast galaxies in the universe, is it really fair to say we are the only intelligent life forms?
We can simply start with the basics that we have all run across. Religion. Religion tells us of an all knowing being that created the universe, man, and sin and that we need to abide by the rule of the doctrine in order to obtain eternal life. No matter the religion this is generally the foundation.
So is this belief why we as a people have shut off all other possibilities that there just may be an existence similar or even extremely higher in intelligence and technology to us?
Are we conditioned not only by belief but by higher officials to blow these reports off as a movie trailer because of the possibility of mass hysteria if the fact is proven that we are indeed not alone?
Taking away all doubt and actually trying to wrap my head around the possibility has been quite amazing I must say. I have been doing a lot with meditation and awakening to finally open my eyes to many things and I must say that I am enjoying the journey.
I have even had my own experience with an unidentified flying object lately. A bright orb of light that flew across the sky at such a speed that it surpassed the helicopter and dove under the bridge as we approached it.
I initially thought I was insane or just seeing things until Chris asked “did you just see that?” My pulse quickened and my heart felt like it would burst with excitement! Had I just seen my first real UFO? I still do not know if I saw something out of this world or just some crazy anomaly.
But this led me to dig deeper into the infinite possibilities of the universe. With many nebula, galaxies and planets…it would be absolutely selfish to limit life to just us.
Even dating back to ancient civilizations, many depict cave drawings of flying machines and strange beings. There are also many theories concerning the construction of the pyramids of Egypt and Mexico. So have we pushed back allies that helped shape our lives today or merely had amazing engineers that constructed buildings that have surpassed many establishments of our recent times?
So many questions flooded my mind. It has been three days since I decided to start on this writing and the night I began I am still in awe as to the events that took place. As I stated above, I have been meditating and trying to understand myself and the energies around me and I feel that I am in that proverbial ‘waking up’ state. That being said, I completed my normal routine before bed and climbed in. Facing yet another round of insomnia I decided to try to meditate to fall asleep.
Being that I had just began this writing earlier in the day I thought of taking off from the ground and shooting into space, passing out atmosphere and exploring the nebula ahead. I remember trying to think of what it would look like and at some point I did fall asleep.
In my dream I was still in this thought of space and I encountered a group of beings that have been called “The Grays” which are the traditional large eyed, short and well, gray beings that many have reported seeing. In my dream they were not terrifying, they were not trying to cut me up nor were they trying to keep me captive. They were a curious set that seemed just as enthralled with me as I was with them.
The height was about to my chin and the skin was a pale gray color. They eyes were enlarged but not hugely creepy as depicted in many drawings. They were kinda cute actually. None of them spoke verbally but I could hear them more in my head, like telepathy. They were asking me why I had these markings and metal pieces in my skin. I explained each tattoo and piercing and why I got them. They were holding my arm looking at my phoenix and that is the last I can remember.
I woke up refreshed, and chuckled about the dream I had. I associated it with the fact that I fell asleep thinking about space and my mind must have created this crazy journey. I got up, went to tend to my morning duties of brushing my teeth and washing my face.
As my eyes adjusted and I looked in the mirror wiping off the water I had just splashed up I noticed something odd…. My nose ring was not in my nose anymore. This is not some simple task to remove or something that will just fall out if I were to roll over….it is a captive ball so the ring is held tight with the ball and is quite a pain to remove or replace.
My mind went to so many possibilities…then I went to look for the ring. Chris assisted and we located the tiny ring under my pillow close to the head of the bed, but where was the ball? I took a step back and felt a cold mass under my foot and found it, about a foot from where I was.
Now, this could be some crazy coincidence. There is no way I could have sleep flew into space and met with the Grays right?? My mind still cannot wrap logic around the situation….
So I will end the writing with that story. My thoughts are still processing and rather than some elaborate explanation of the universe I wanted to share my experience with the very strange with you. I hope you have enjoyed !
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]I LOVE this! I will be doing a dance to this very soon!
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A Tribute to MARS
I hear many people say “such and such saved/changed my life” and I smile for I know the feeling of that lifesaving moment someone or something can offer. Some say it is “God” some give the title to a loved one, hell, some can hear a song and feel that deep penetrating force behind it.
I am one of these people. To say a “band saved my life” may sound ridiculous to most people but it is true. Had it not been for them, I would not be where I am today. I hate to think of where I would be in all honesty.
In 2002 I went to a club with my Fiancé to see a band called “Earshot” I was pretty excited, I was barely 21 and I was ready to get out and have a good time. I forget what he was distracted for but he went off and I walked to the doors. In the front of Freebird stood a man. I recognized him but could not put my finger on it. I walked up, gave my ticket to the door man and looked the gentleman in the door over once more. He flashed a smile and I returned one. I approached him and said “Ok, I know you but I cant figure out how” he chuckled and introduced himself “I’m Jared” It clicked, this was Jared Leto, aka “Jordan Catalano” from a show I watched several times.
I reacted as many would “holy shit! What are you doing in Jacksonville” and we started chatting about how he was in a band. At this time my fiancé was approaching, he became jealous and grumbled about this guy flirting with his wife. I tried to explain that we were chatting and he wanted to hear none of it. Jared was still kind enough to give us both a sample CD of his music which went missing for quite a while. Needless to say, we didn’t go to the show.
We ended up marrying and it was a rocky situation, not seeing eye to eye and I felt like a caged bird. I was slowly dying inside but trying to fight for anything stable. Then I lost my child. The pain made me more depressed and I just went through the motions of life…not caring for anything.
In 2005 I happened on a song that caught my ear…it was called Attack by 30 Seconds to Mars…I knew this name…it hit like a ton of bricks. Jared’s vocals penetrated deep into my soul and I vowed to my sister that if they ever came near us I would go see them. In October they were in Tampa and she took me as a gift. It was AMAZING!
We ended up meeting and hanging out with Jared, Shannon, Tomo and Matt and I felt alive. I felt like things mattered, the energy they had, the way they cared for the fans, the way they were so human really opened my eyes. I was ignited.
Since that moment I decided to change my life, I got divorced, began changing me and decided that if I wanted something then nothing would stand in my way. I have met some pretty amazing people along the way and have branched out to meet amazing new bands like Aiden, another band that touched my life.
Had Attack Never come on the radio I would have probably never left the hole I was in. This weekend I will be seeing the band for the 25th time since then and I am so excited! My Echelon Sister Michelle will be joining me and I know it will be a fantastic time!
I felt like writing this because no matter how low you are feeling, there is always something that will come by and help you ignite the fire in your soul. I am so happy I have met these amazing guys and the amazing friends I have met along the way. I have been an Echelon member for over 5 years and I lo9ve the family.
Provehito In Altum!!
Much love to my Mars Family:
Michelle
Charissa
Emma
Sash
MarsAngel
Alexis
You ladies have made my life so much more fun since you became a part of it. I love you all to bits!
(Don’t worry Betties, my Bettie blog will be coming soon J )
Don’t Lose Hope
Holidays are a time of joy, laughter, and time you can spend with family and friends. Most people are full of cheer and joy and whether you believe in religion or not, it seems that everyone is humble and happy. Not many people look at the other side of this coin during the holidays. Sometimes the happy person is smiling because they feel like they have to.
With the recent event of my childhood friend attempting to take her life, I sat back and thought of the people who have no family, who feel like they have hit the bottom and there is no way to rise above it. On December 23 it will be 6 years since my uncle took his life. None of us knew it was even a thought in his mind. Saturday, my friend Tina put a gun to herself and pulled the trigger. Thankfully, she will recover. This is not the outcome for many people.
In this day and age many people are given a label if they talk about the darkness they feel. If they have that thought of ending it, or being alone. They are labeled “Emo” and scoffed as attention seekers. As some of these people may indeed be seeking the attention, there are others that are not. Others truly feel the pain and keep it hidden until the limp body is found by someone that loved them. Leaving the remainder of the living to question why.
I have had many brushes with this sad event from friends and family that took their lives. I question myself wondering if I could have done something. With a young friend I passed in my younger days. I was running around working, going to shows, and dating someone but Scott asked me out. I kindly let him down and never saw him again. Months later I heard that his mother found him hanging in his room. Would that have happened if I went out? These are questions we all ask. I know it was not my fault but we are all left with unanswered questions.
When I was 17 years old I was going through the teenage madness that most do. Rebelling, wanting to be my own person. I fought depression and still do to this day. I remember one evening I was in a fight with my parents and I felt like I had no outlet and that I was worthless. I broke open my razor and I pulled out the blade. I pressed hard to my left wrist and at that moment I felt like I was slapped in the face. I pulled the blade away from my flesh and I thought “That was very dumb”. I got out of the tub and I put on my bracelet so nobody could see the cut.
Life got better, then harsh and good again. It is life. Each awful event had a way of making me stronger. Many things have kicked me down and made me want to do nothing but stop breathing but picking myself up and dusting off the ashes was more empowering. This is how I got the name Feanix. No matter how many times I “die” I will be reborn stronger.
I wish the ones facing the depressions had the courage to put down the gun, blade, pills and see that life is worth living. There are people you can talk to and there are many nonjudgmental places you can go to seek help. I am glad to lend an ear to anyone who feels that they are at the end. If you don’t talk to anyone about it then we will never know you are in need of help.
I am a proud supporter of TWLOHA.com and they are a great organization where you can get the help you need. If at any point you feel that you are at the end of your rope, talk to someone.
I hope you all have a great and safe holiday. And remember that you don’t have to be nice just on Christmas, you never know what the person you encounter has been through and a smile could change the whole day for them.
This is also posted on theboondockbetties.com
Hero of War
He said, “Son,
Have you see the world?
Well, what would you say
If I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you’ll even get paid.”
I said, “That sounds pretty good.”
Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight
A hero of war
Yeah that’s what I’ll be
And when I come home
They’ll be damn proud of me
I’ll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it’s flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends
They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again
A hero of war
Yeah that’s what I’ll be
And when I come home
They’ll be damn proud of me
I’ll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it’s flag that I love
And a flag that I trust
She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away
The shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow
A hero of war
Is that what the see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it’s a flag that I love
It’s the only flag I trust
He said, “Son, have you seen the world? Well what would you say, if I said that you could?”
————
I think of my brother and what he went through on enemy lines every time I hear this song. I love you Jason.
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Truth
Shallow is the beating of a heart torn between happiness and despair. With opposing thoughts battling in my mind I am forced to sit and wait for the outcome. I want to rush in and save the dying but I am bound to the earth. Never has one felt so much pain and love and fear than how it flows through my veins at this very moment. The struggle is not mine; the pain is only for the one under the cutting edge of the knife. I wish to be beside the fearful and hold them tight, protecting form everything that can harm. Why now? Why her? Questions we all ask and have not a single sign of an answer. A love so strong from a bond that stems the ages is what keeps me from cracking into a thousand tiny pieces. I will lift these weights off if it kills me just to see her smile again and be in no pain. I find myself being selfish begging her to fight, if it is a never ending struggle, then why should I wish her the suffering? This is what it means to love? To battle with yourself on the decency of who to hold on to and who to let go? If I am to give up a sister, what will I gain in return? Missed memories and a tear stained cheek? I would rather be selfish.
That is it. That is my heart on a platter for you to view in whatever way you see fit. I am not ashamed of what crashes in my mind and I feel that preventing it from escaping through my words is an injustice. Call me selfish, call me harsh but I am not ready to give up on a fighter.
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For those who wanted the details
In less than a week it will be a 10 year anniversary of a car accident I was involved in. During this time, my mood changes and I tend to withdrawal into myself. I mean no disrespect to anyone and I do not mean it personal. I need this time to deal and though it has been 10 years, I have yet to fully heal. It has gotten slightly easier but still my burden to bear.
I was 18 just out of High School and freshly back from Church Camp. I was a youth leader at my church and one of my best friends Adrian, her sister Andrea, and I were driving home from Youth Group on a Wednesday evening. I still had curfew set by my parents because I was driving my Dad’ truck while I waited for my Camero to be restored.
It was a typical evening at the church and we left in a great mood and was rocking out to POD. They were hungry and so was I. I wanted Taco Bell and the girls wanted Subway so we went to both.
We all piled back in the truck once we got Subway and now it was off to drop them off and then head home to be in time for my curfew. One problem, the truck wouldn’t start. It was a semi new truck, it had gas, no issues prior, it just would not start. I started to panic because I would be late. I happened to look over at the air bag control that has to be turned on with a key and noticed that it was off. I looked at it and then I looked at Adrian and said “I hold your fate, do you live or die” as I turned the airbag for her on and then off. “I love you man, I want you to live” and I turned it on.
Miraculously, the truck started. With no issue. I looked at the girls and shrugged my shoulders. I asked the quickest route back to their house and proceeded on my path. I was driving down the road and Adrian bent down to grab something from the floor, I looked and looked back at the road. In less than a second I noticed a car turn right in front of me. I screamed, hit the brakes, and turned the wheel. I heard a loud bang and then everything went white.
It all happened so fast. The next thing I remember is seeing my Bible on the road, and a blonde girl was holding my shoulders telling me not to go over to the cars. I was sitting in the grass. The more I came to the more I realized what was going on. I started screaming for Adrian and she came to me in tears, she was ok. Andria was ok. I tried to hug them but I couldn’t feel my hands, I looked down and my left wrist was swollen larger than my hand and my right arm was burnt from the air bag.
I tried to call my parents and they didn’t answer and my youth pastor arrived. Adrian’s mother arrived and nobody would let me go to the cars. I just wanted to check on the people in the car.
Police and Rescue arrived and shut down the busy road and news crews were all over. I was asked to do a field sobriety test and the officer seemed shaken. I passed all the tests and they took me to the ambulance to check my hands and arms. The only issue was that I gripped the wheel and the airbag burned me. I hit my head but it was just a bump. Adrian and Andria were fine, had I not turned on the air bag, Adrian would have been killed because she was bent over.
My parents arrived and ran to me and we all gathered in the grass and I kept asking about the people in the car. I was still fuzzy but I remember my dad hitting one of the cops. I didn’t know why.
I looked over and noticed a man standing by the ambulance covered in blood. He was just looking at me with a blank expression. My mother grabbed my face and made me look at her. I will never forget the words “Baby, I love you but I have to tell you this, the passenger in the other car didn’t make it” I do not remember much after that.
I vaguely remember sitting in the hospital and they tried to give me medicine for the pain and I refused. I was given vicodin and I took one because my mother made me but I dumped the rest. I didn’t deserve to have relief.
I didn’t get out of bed for days apparently and I didn’t talk. I do not remember much, as I stated, but I remember feeling numb. When I finally got up I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I was swollen and pale. I was too scared to get in a car and my parents were trying everything to get me out and about.
I had to go to court and the judge brought me to her chambers and explained that I was not at fault and that nothing I could have done would have prevented it. I didn’t know how to respond. I just looked at her. She said the officer that responded talked to her about everything and that I needed to understand that I am not to blame. Easier said than done.
Weeks passed and I started to come around and asked questions. I tried to fill gaps with what I could get from people. I asked my mom what she remembered and she told me that dad punched one of the cops because Andria asked about the people in the car and as harsh as possible the guy said “no, they are not ok, one is dead” and so my dad hit him.
The officer that went to court was standing there as well and did nothing; the guy was out of line I guess. She said that when she told me that I collapsed and started screaming “Please God take me instead, take me, they deserve to live” and the officer from court got emotional and had to walk away.
I asked about the passenger and I have yet to get conformation on who it was, if it was man or woman or child. My gut tells me it was a woman. They were from out of the country.
To this day, I struggle with it. I have been told by countless people that it is not my fault. I cant accept it. I have tried but I still feel the guilt. Nothing I could have done would have prevented it but I still feel responsible. I even have had some get angry with me and tell me to “just let it go”. As if they knew what I was feeling.
For the longest time I would not even stay in Jax during the anniversary. One of my ex boyfriends begged me to stay once because he would be there for me..then he never showed…that’s happened twice….but this year, I am going to try to stay here. It will be very hard for me to do but I will make it.
This writing is not to gather pity; it is not to gain praise. Talking about it is hard for me but it needs to be done. To heal. Maybe this is a first step to coming to peace with it. This is to provide a little glimpse into a tragic situation that I hope none of you have to endure. But, if you do please know that there is someone out here that knows the pain and torment you are going through. I am just a contact away.
Thank you for reading this. I hope I have not downed your day.
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BP Oil Volcano and How you can help!
Unless you live under a rock, you have heard of the catastrophe in the Gulf. Many people see images on the news and net and shrug it off. “Oh this will not bother us, we are on the east coast”
What you do not think or hear about is the fact that it is moving fast and it is expected to creep up to our side and travel as far as Europe within weeks. Not only from the currents, but when the first storm passes it will wash it onto the shores of the United States.
A good perspective on how bad it is now is via this link: http://www.ifitwasmyhome.com/ simply put in any city, state, county, or zip code and see just how massive this is so far.
I have personally seen some of the spill when I traveled through Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana. It is awful, the once clear blue waters are now a rusty reddish brown. It is chunky and some areas even smell of sulfur.
I was unable to get to the beaches that were most effected but I plan to in the coming weeks. I am volunteering to help prep and cleanup our coast and the west coast of Florida.
With this said, if you want to help in any way you can do so by volunteering, donating, or spreading the word. They are also still collecting hair and fur from hair salons, barbers, pet groomers, and farmers to donate to help soak up the oil.
http://www.volunteerflorida.org/
http://www.deepwaterhorizonresponse.com/go/doc/2931/542683
https://online.nwf.org/site/Donation2?df_id=16662&16662.donation=form1
http://www.ibrrc.org/gulf-oil-spill-how-to-help-2010.html
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My Thoughts on the Gulf
I know I have been blowing up Twitter with these stories but we are really not seeing the big picture. I have seen a small example of what it looks like out there this past weekend and I will tell you, it is heartbreaking. Dead animals all around, white beaches and blue waters are now brown and rusty. It is sick.
Without people seeing what it really looks like, then you can not grasp the devastation it has brought to my home, to many other homes. So many people rely on the Gulf for jobs, for serenity, for more than most people can understand. This is now a place of sadness, of death, of carelessness.
It is hard to put a price on the damage that has been caused but to sit back and think of the many families that will struggle because the waters they fished are dead, the endangered species that are now beyond help, and the fact that it will never be that same is enough to bring anyone to tears.
I hope everyone sees that this is not just a “Gulf problem” as I have been told. That’s utter bullshit to put it nicely. Think about it: Hurricane season is upon us, hurricanes churn the waters and bring up many things from the bottom. BP has sunk a LOT of oil. What will wash up from the storms? Once it washes up…where does it go? Into our ground waters. We rely on these waters for crops, for drinking, for a lot. This toxic mess will fill our waters with Lord knows what. People do not think of this.
I am going to see about setting up something to help. I will not be able to go over as much as I want but I will also set up teams to head over for a weekend and help. I will not be someone who sits back and bitches about the issue. I will put in my time, my energy, and my ideas to help.
What will you do?
Boondock Betties
Ok ladies! The Official Boondock Bettie Party is in a little over a month. I am trying to get gifts together, food, drink, and everything else that goes along with a party. I have only received RSVPs from a few of you. I have met with Ali (Cranialspasm) and we both agree that you will need to RSVP so I will know when to pick you up from the airport and/or provide my address in order for you to drive to the correct place. This will be my final request to RSVP. If we do not hear from you by July 20 then we will assume that you are not going to attend. We just want to be sure that everyone is set up properly and that each of you are sure to get to and from the airport. You can RSVP at feanixfire@gmail.com Thanks!! And a BIG THANKS TO: Brian Mahoney @btmahoney Boondock Saints @thesaintsreturn Paul Alessi @pauljalessi They have provided us with some pretty awesome things!! Those who have RSVP’d already: @cranialspasm @faelyspryte @Dreamcatcher85 @fangmom @thruthelense @jessmadigan @mandy302 @CaseyCcC
@crashdisaster
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Words that make me smile:
I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted, surrender to nothing, or give up what I started, and stopped it, from end to beginning a new day is coming and I AM FINALLY FREE! (30STM) Its up to me, to make you fucking bleed, we are the scavengers of the damned(Aiden) Take me take me back to your bed I love you so much that it hurts my head. Say I don’t mind you under my skin I let the bad parts in, the bad parts in but when we were made were set apart; life is a test and I get bad marks. Now some Saint got the job who hadn’t done my sins… the storm is coming, the storm is coming in.(Brand New) Fuck you and all we’ve been through, I didn’t need it, it’s nothing to you and if you hate me then hate me so good that you can let me out. ‘Cuz its hell when you’re around. (Damien Rice) Not to pull your halo down, around your neck and tug you off your cloud but I’m more than just a little curious on how you’re planning to go about making your amends to the dead (A Perfect Circle) Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful. (Sixx AM) Everybody gets high, everybody gets low, everybody gets bruised, everybody gets sold. (Sixx AM) I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change I know now, this is who I really am inside. (30STM) Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. (Brand New) Such a shame, you’d give your soul away for just 15 minutes fame. (Hydrovibe) When your world comes crashing down I want to relive. I’m not Jesus, Jesus wasn’t there. You confess it all away but it’s only shit to me I’m not Jesus I will not forgive. (Apocolyptica/Cory Taylor) My wings are torn away, I spit words like knives. (Aiden) We don’t want what isn’t ours. (Brand New) If looks could really kill, then my profession would be staring. (Brand New) I found my destiny, with a match and gasoline. (Aiden) There were drums in the air as she started to dance every soul in the room keeping tim with their hands. (Santana/Nickleback) Count me in and I’ll be the the one to take the knife out of your spine, cuz I know you’ll be the first to bury the blade deeper into mine. (Framing Hanley) Ignore me if you see me cuz I just don’t give a shit. (Cobra Starship) So save your breath I will not care, I think I’ve made it very clear. (Slipknot)
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A Story of True Strength
So I love hearing of stories that show just how strong a person can be. We are all in one way or another given hard times and we all deal with them different. Whether we face loss of jobs, family issues, health problems or one of the countless other issues we all face in a lifetime, we are all conditioned to adapt. How we chose to adapt is up to us. We can go the self pity route, the raging route, or the acceptance of things that we have no control over. Some of us even go through it all. Like the steps of grief. But when we hit that point of acceptance, we find just how much strength we have. This is the story of a young woman who has been faced with the most insane things and she still has the courage to smile. Her name will be Mary for this writing as I do not want to invade her privacy any more that this already does. I can tell you that we grew up together, our parents were great friends. She is a few years younger than me but her spirit is rich and aged and wise. She is an inspiration to me. Mary has a child. A vibrant little boy that she adores and through the images I have seen, she is making amazing memories with him. Sad to think that Mary has been diagnosed with Lupus and major blood clots in her legs. Upon an examination to see if anything can be done, the only option to prolong life was amputation. This would not prolong it extremely but it would indeed give her more time. “I want to be whole when I die; I am not losing my legs if I am going to die a few months later.” The doctors are respecting her wishes and we all understand her view and respect her wishes. Not too long after, Mary got word that her blood was poisoned with arsenic. We were all in shock. How exactly did this happen? We are not sure. My mom called Mary to talk to her and see if anything could be done. She was upset, a girl so young dealing with so much. One of her best friends’ baby would more than likely be buried soon. Mom began to get emotional. “Vena, it is ok, just promise me something. When you are on your bike and you feel the sun shining on your face, kick it hard because that will be me saying hello. Kick it hard so I can hear you in heaven” I am shedding tears with that very statement. You see, bikers are a close knit group, my mom and dad are bikers and “kickin it hard” means to rev the engine and letting it roar. It is done in times of celebration and in times of respect. Recently my mom spoke to Mary and she was telling her how she got her casket all taken care of. She seems completely at ease. She just wants to “make as many memories with [her] boy as she can.” This story of acceptance is so pure and so real. I am sure she went through the other stages but now she is enjoying life. Not letting the small things get her down. I just got a message that she is coming to visit in two weeks. It may in fact be the last time I will see my friend, but I know we will have the best time and make some amazing memories. I know that because I do not see her does not mean she has left me. We will always hold a place for her, we will forever love her and she will be missed. But I guarantee you, whenever I walk outside and I feel the sunshine on my face that I will smile and know that she is saying hello. With that I can not do anything but shed a silent tear for my loss and a happy one for the fact that she was a part of my life.
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So within the past few weeks I have been dealt a shitty hand. I have tried to keep my complaints minimal as I do not want to be “the whiny “girl. Between the issues with my brother and the kids, car accident, and 2 deaths within a 3 week period; I have reached my peak level of stress. I am trying very hard to stay positive but at the moment it seems like when I get up and am knocked back down.
Even with all this, I invoke the true essence of the Phoenix, no matter how many times I am knocked down, or metaphorically die, I will rise again stronger. This is how I came to attain the name. It has been my essence for as long as I can remember. I am a fighter. Do I feel like there is no fight left and I should give up? All the time, but I push through it and I fight. I fight so hard and I do not let many know of my struggles.
As we all face our issues we are defined by our actions. Some will let the pain engulf them and simply let the flame fizzle out. Some come out swinging and end up overcoming. This fight, however, is never a fight that we are alone in. in the little time we have all known each other we have bonded. We have had each other’s backs. We have been willing to fetch rope, plane tickets, chickens, and sketchy plans to go out in blazes of glory to assist our friends.
This very thing is what keeps my faith in humanity alive. The fact that I can simply say I have had a shitty day and I have at least 7 responses within the minute. We all have each others back. I would have any of yours in a New York minute. (how fast is that really?? I mean why is NY’s minute any different than say, a GA minute??…ok tangent) But anyway…the point is, it is so beautiful to see that we have all grown into a family and not just a group of people that will step on one another to get ahead. That is how most of the world has become.
I hope I have made you smile at least ½ as much as each of you have brought one to my face. I love you all, and thank each and every one of you for being you! You are all amazing and beautiful people. J
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